Zikkety-Zak

ADD, ADHD, and those kinds of brains

Author: Admin

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.... ..PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

Somehow I feel better even though everybody has it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,  I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the

can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.\

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of


Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,   I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired.   I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,   but first I’ll check my e-mail….   Do me a favor.   Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.   Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

Tags: brain, intelligence, old age
February 14th, 2010  |  Posted in Humor  |  No Comments »

Dementia test -

Author: Admin

Your Yearly Dementia Test –

Note:   this was from an email I was sent.   I do not know who originated this joke.

It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1.   What do you put in a toaster?

Answer:   bread.   If you said toast, give up now and do something else.  Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said “bread”, go to question 2.

2.  Say “silk” five times.   now spell “silk”.   What do cows drink?

Answer:   water    If you said “milk”, don’t attempt the next question.  Your brain is over-stressed and may overheat.   Be content reading a more appropriate literature, such as Auto World.   If you said “water”, proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks…. what is a green house made from?

Answer:  glass.   Greenhouses are made from glass.    If you said ‘green bricks’, why are you still reading these ! ?   If you got it right, go to question 4.

4.   It’s twenty years ago and a plane is flying over Germany. ( at that time, Germany was divided into East and West Germany )   Anyway, during flight 2 engines fail.  The pilot, realizing that the last engine is also about to fail, decides on a crash landing procedure.   Unfortunately, he’s too late, and the last engine fails.   He crashes directly in the middle of “no man’s land” between the 2 Germanys.   Now, where would you bury the survivors?   in East Germany, West Germany, or “no man’s land”.

Answer:   you don’t bury survivors.   If you said anything else, you are a dunce, and you must stop now.  If you got it right, proceed to question 5.

5. Without using a calculator, do this problem. You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .  In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.  In Swindon , two people get off and four g et on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.  In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer:

Oh, for crying out loud!   Don’t you remember your own name?    It was YOU!!   Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

Tags: intelligence, old age
February 14th, 2010  |  Posted in Humor  |  1 Comment »

health news from Department of Understanding Humans ( D.U.H.)

Author: Admin

Source:   Department of Understanding Humans    Duhnews.biz

startling health news.

Important conclusion just realized after centuries of research and analysis.

Based on information from a variety of sources. the Department of Understanding Humans, or D.U.H, has concluded that people who eat clean, simple food and keep their bodies active tend to live longer lives, with less pain and discomfort.

The D. U.H. research consortium reported that for a long time, many people remained clueless as to what type of food and behavior might lead to longer, happier lives.    Then, in a remarkable series of discoveries, based on very old evidence, the study proved to investigators that many cultures survived for thousands of years living mostly outdoors, learning all about the plants, animals, and weather in their habitat, and that they could live rather well and pass down their knowledge to children for millenia, in spite of climate change and even mass extinctions of other animal species.   Eating natural foods and doing a lot of outdoor activities seems to have worked quite well for them.

Professor B. G. Brain even acknowledged, ” we don’t know how they did it. It seems that in spite of their not having our modern tools and conveniences, or a mall, not even a strip mall, they somehow managed to endure all kinds of weather, navigate, and build actual homes. ”     “Amazing”, he continued.   “It must be something they ate or their personal habits of vigorous hunting or farming.  It is quite likely that their family and tribal structure, and some of their mythical beliefs may have contributed to their extended reign on earth that lasted for tens of thousands of years.”

Graduate student S. Tupido was also extremely impressed by the findings of this latest study, which took years to complete.   She said, “my boyfriend and I went camping last summer, and we got lost.    The food was terrible, and we had to cook it ourselves.   Can you imagine, and no toilets ??      These ancient people must have been weird.  The food they ate must have been gross !    Maybe the aliens helped them.

I mean, where did they get stuff if there weren’t any malls ?”  she mused.

This is truly a remarkable finding.   Critics are wondering why it took so long to complete the study and why it cost so much.   The D.U.H. responded by saying it is most important that such a monumental conclusion be prefaced by diligent research done by serious professional scientists who are experts in their respective fields.    Money is well spent on study, their spokesperson said.

In addition, the spokesperson hinted at some other study results that will be released soon.    Only one hint she could give this reporter;    turns out, smoke is not so good to breathe, she said.  How could we have imagined?    She said there would be many more important details in the actual report when it is finally printed.

Amazing, the stuff you learn every day.     Stay tuned.

February 13th, 2010  |  Posted in Humor  |  No Comments »

funny signs…

Author: Admin

Spotted in a toilet of a London (UK) office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Tags: funny, sign, toilet
February 13th, 2010  |  Posted in Humor  |  No Comments »

Funny winter photos

Author: Admin

White trash snow people

Ho, Ho, Ho !

Fat snowman

Santa off-duty

“I hope nobody sees me here !”

Splat !

Santa's post office

Tags: Christmas, funny, Humor, Santa, snowman, winter
January 22nd, 2010  |  Posted in Humor  |  No Comments »

Vampire village – the town that sucked

Author: Admin

Welcome back to Zikkety-zak     Humor, fun, pictures and stories

All content copyright Paul Smyres, all rights reserved.   No duplication ( copy and paste ) please.   You may LINK to this location if you want to share it. 

“A short pencil is better than a long memory.”    Use checklists    save time and money.

Ancient moon ( click to see more moons )

The town that became a vampire

        Many years ago a little town got sliced in half by a busy road.   It was just the poor town’s fate; the state needed a road there so the town got bulldozed.   It was never the same.    The road’s permanent wound scarred the town for more than half a century, never healing because of the endless stream of noisy machines streaming through it 24 / 7, spewing noxious fumes.     Today It’s a dingy town with just a few stores and almost no side streets besides the main road. It’s not pretty, so when you drive through you just try to look straight ahead.

Old ruins - click to go to Halloween page

To make matters worse, the town’s main business for a long time was a huge state institution for the criminally insane. It’s now defunct, but the dank old buildings remain; huge, and ugly, hovering close to the road like brick vultures. On the other side of the road there’s a humongous coal powerplant poking a big stack into the sky. Long ago it spat out black smoke, boiling water to heat the giant buildings where the patients lived.

Only unlucky people got stuck living in that town. They were either too old to move, too poor, too tired, or too challenged in other ways. They accepted their fate and plodded toward the end.    They lived mostly in the grubby mobile home park, some ratty apartments, and a few old ranch homes with trashy yards full of plastic stuff and old appliances.    Some yards had empty dog houses too, because the dogs had run out of town first chance they got.

There’s a train station in that town because the employees of the mental hospital had to come from somewhere else.   They sure knew better than to live there. After work they would catch the next train and get the heck out of town as fast as they could.

The station is right across the street from the institution and nobody likes to use it. When you ride the train you hope nobody gets on there, especially at night. If anybody gets off there, you wonder about them. Nobody likes to park their car at the station either, especially overnight.

The town has a few businesses that sit like suckers on the side of the road.    The more profitable ones sell beer, tobacco, munchies, and lotto tickets.    And coffee, of course, for the car owls who come through and stop to get some smokes and wake-up juice.

Anyway, ever since the mental institution closed not much happened in that town so it started to sulk, because nobody ever stopped there unless they absolutely had to. Business decayed and property values plummeted. Residents got depressed, too, adding to the gloom around the area. They stopped caring for their yards and homes. In fact, the whole village became enveloped by a messy aura, composed of masses of ectoplasm that oozed out of the rotting buildings.

A big for sale sign sits on the land in front of those buildings, been there for a long time. There were rumors a sleazy developer was interested, but it never sold, of course. Everybody knew nobody would buy a condo in that town, even if it was right across the road from the train station.

So the town managers, ( yeah, there were a few people left who could manage anything ) brooded about it. Day and night they watched the cars zoom by their town, actually speeding up to get through it faster. They knew in every single car there was money; money that could help their town and bring in at least enough money to allow for some decent skimming. They had to find a way to drain some of that money into the town treasury.

The train was no help to local business. It still ran through the town but it carried people to and from much better worlds, speeding by noisily, again and again, 22 times a day. Anyone who got off there quickly got in their car and drove away, since right next to the parking lot was the monstrous powerplant, and there was no store even close because of the other hulking buildings.

The townsmen finally determined to make some money on all the traffic, one way or another.   They decided that if nobody was going to stop in their town to spend money they would force them to slow down, really slow, right next to the stinky buildings, and make them look at their ugly town.   So they put really slow speed limit signs up for exactly  one mile right in the middle of the town ( the town is only  2 miles long ) .

       They also put a stop light there near the station, to make sure that at least SOME of the travelers got stuck in town for at least a minute or two.  Perhaps, just perhaps, the driver would start thinking, maybe they needed something at the local all night store, or maybe today would be the lucky lotto day, or they were out of cigarettes.  They figured it would make a difference and help with the tax collections.

     But even that didn’t help business much. After awhile everyone who drove that road learned to always carry snacks and coffee, and have plenty of gas, and not have to pee, when they went through that town. They learned to set their cruise control at exactly 28 miles per hour, just in case it was off a bit, and breathe deeply while they drove.    Less and less money came in and the local business owners started whining.  

       The village was choking to death.    That’s when it got possessed by it’s ghosts and went berserk.  The town scoundrels hired  a couple of oversized policemen to enforce the speed trap, but since they didn’t have much of a budget the ones they got were from the lower end of the scale, in more ways than one.   They weren’t the polite type, either.

      These guys hid their car and radar gun behind an oak tree and started grabbing any driver who had a broken speedometer, was just a little hasty, or suffered any other type of momentary unconsciousness as they drove through town.   After that, the town’s court started getting a lot of customers.   Some became regulars and even some brought their friends to keep them company while waiting to get fined.       

      Most towns have a real building for the town court, but this town has a modular one they got from a foreclosure. They stuck it on a small lot and put a big parking lot next to it for all the victims that have been there over the years.    Inside there’s a big room with a bunch of folding chairs, a very impressive bar holding a large gavel, and a big witness chair .     The big chair gets used alternately by a big policeman ( that’s why the it’s big ),  and whatever size defendant happens to be getting their day in court.     Most of the trials only last a few minutes because the driver makes a deal ( accepts the one the big policeman  offers ), because they’re terrified and want to leave town as soon as possible.    Some of the trials are pretty funny, especially the ones where the drivers tell the judge they were in town visiting relatives so they should be forgiven.   For those people the judge usually makes a deal because he knows they’ll probably be back someday.

Now, on Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings the town gets quite lively. Business at the little lotto deli and the gas station perks up considerably.   All kinds of people have ended up in that town’s court and they all have a story that they tell to anyone who will listen.

Before court some of the town’s new visitors buy cigarettes, sandwiches, newspapers, coffee, bagels, and lotto tickets. They also use the ATM a lot, both before and after the court.  And after court they buy beer, aspirin, snacks, and rolling papers on their way home.    Sometimes their cars break down, too, and need to be towed a few blocks to the local repair shop where they get a good going over.  There’s also a lawyer or two in town that do pretty well.   So, the town’s not quite dead, but it’s not very alive either.

The town’s name is Wingdale, probably because of the all the bats who live there.   Some folks call it Wingbat because of the people who live there. 

So, that’s how a weird town came to be known as vampire village, because it’s half dead, and it sucks.

=====

….

“A short pencil is better than a long memory.”     Use checklists for safety and getting things done.

www.cashforest.com   where money trees grow.  Tips for making money at home, saving money, working at home.

TIme, our greatest resource.    Blog, tips for saving time, quotes, inspiration.

Tags: car, driving, funny, police, story
October 12th, 2009  |  Posted in News  |  No Comments »