Happy Easter - " Easter's over, honey. Can we take them down now ? "

Happy Easter from someone who clearly knows the true meaning of the season and is very enthusiastic about it.

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.... ..PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

Somehow I feel better even though everybody has it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,  I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the

can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.\

I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of


Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can’t find the remote,

I can’t find my glasses,

and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,   I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day, and I’m really tired.   I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it,   but first I’ll check my e-mail….   Do me a favor.   Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember who the hell I’ve sent it to.   Don’t laugh — if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming!!

Note:   this was from an email I was sent.   I do not know who originated this joke.

It’s that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it’s important to keep mentally alert. If you don’t use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don’t see the answers until you’ve made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1.   What do you put in a toaster?

Answer:   bread.   If you said toast, give up now and do something else.  Try not to hurt yourself.

If you said “bread”, go to question 2.

2.  Say “silk” five times.   now spell “silk”.   What do cows drink?

Answer:   water    If you said “milk”, don’t attempt the next question.  Your brain is over-stressed and may overheat.   Be content reading a more appropriate literature, such as Auto World.   If you said “water”, proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink house is made from pink bricks, and a black house is made from black bricks…. what is a green house made from?

Answer:  glass.   Greenhouses are made from glass.    If you said ‘green bricks’, why are you still reading these ! ?   If you got it right, go to question 4.

4.   It’s twenty years ago and a plane is flying over Germany. ( at that time, Germany was divided into East and West Germany )   Anyway, during flight 2 engines fail.  The pilot, realizing that the last engine is also about to fail, decides on a crash landing procedure.   Unfortunately, he’s too late, and the last engine fails.   He crashes directly in the middle of “no man’s land” between the 2 Germanys.   Now, where would you bury the survivors?   in East Germany, West Germany, or “no man’s land”.

Answer:   you don’t bury survivors.   If you said anything else, you are a dunce, and you must stop now.  If you got it right, proceed to question 5.

5. Without using a calculator, do this problem. You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .  In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.  In Swindon , two people get off and four g et on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.  In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on .. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer:

Oh, for crying out loud!   Don’t you remember your own name?    It was YOU!!   Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.

PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!

startling health news.

Important conclusion just realized after centuries of research and analysis.

Based on information from a variety of sources. the Department of Understanding Humans, or D.U.H, has concluded that people who eat clean, simple food and keep their bodies active tend to live longer lives, with less pain and discomfort.

The D. U.H. research consortium reported that for a long time, many people remained clueless as to what type of food and behavior might lead to longer, happier lives.    Then, in a remarkable series of discoveries, based on very old evidence, the study proved to investigators that many cultures survived for thousands of years living mostly outdoors, learning all about the plants, animals, and weather in their habitat, and that they could live rather well and pass down their knowledge to children for millenia, in spite of climate change and even mass extinctions of other animal species.   Eating natural foods and doing a lot of outdoor activities seems to have worked quite well for them.

Professor B. G. Brain even acknowledged, ” we don’t know how they did it. It seems that in spite of their not having our modern tools and conveniences, or a mall, not even a strip mall, they somehow managed to endure all kinds of weather, navigate, and build actual homes. ”     “Amazing”, he continued.   “It must be something they ate or their personal habits of vigorous hunting or farming.  It is quite likely that their family and tribal structure, and some of their mythical beliefs may have contributed to their extended reign on earth that lasted for tens of thousands of years.”

Graduate student S. Tupido was also extremely impressed by the findings of this latest study, which took years to complete.   She said, “my boyfriend and I went camping last summer, and we got lost.    The food was terrible, and we had to cook it ourselves.   Can you imagine, and no toilets ??      These ancient people must have been weird.  The food they ate must have been gross !    Maybe the aliens helped them.

I mean, where did they get stuff if there weren’t any malls ?”  she mused.

This is truly a remarkable finding.   Critics are wondering why it took so long to complete the study and why it cost so much.   The D.U.H. responded by saying it is most important that such a monumental conclusion be prefaced by diligent research done by serious professional scientists who are experts in their respective fields.    Money is well spent on study, their spokesperson said.

In addition, the spokesperson hinted at some other study results that will be released soon.    Only one hint she could give this reporter;    turns out, smoke is not so good to breathe, she said.  How could we have imagined?    She said there would be many more important details in the actual report when it is finally printed.

Amazing, the stuff you learn every day.     Stay tuned.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)