HUH !

Today the Department of Understanding Humans, or D.U.H. announced they have created another Department called the Department of Popular Words and Phrases  ( D.P.W.P.)

Naturally, they will be working very closely with the Department of DUHspeak )  (D.O.D.)

The committee was formed in the morning and during lunch break the had a short conference, in which they unanimously agreed to investigate the origin of one of the most popular phrases of all time,

“oh, s__t !”

A few minutes later, they all agreed that without a doubt, the reason “oh s__t” is so popular is because everyone, sooner or later, has stepped in it or touched it by mistake.   Everyone understands that in every language.   Even little kids know that one.

Then they all laughed and went back to working on the many other phrases that need to be investigated.

It’s not that simple, some say.

Later in the day during another break they expanded on their findings, because in truth, there are subtle varieties of the “oh, s__t” phrase.

For instance, if you say it as “oh s__t !! “, it’s very direct, and that’s exactly what people say if they step in it or touch it by mistake.

But, if you pause, and say, “oh, s__t”, with the comma there, it can mean that first you thought something was going to be really good, so you opened your mouth to say “oh”, but then you paused, and suddenly realized that in fact it was “s__t” ! )

In yet another use, suppose you actually were expecting s__t, but when it arrived, you said, “oh”, then paused, and when you saw just how much it was, you said  ”S__T !!! “.     That would also be an “oh, s__t” with a comma.

So, sometimes these different kinds of “oh, s__t” uses are confused.   and sometimes people write them wrong in letters.   So the committee at D.P.W.P.  recommended their findings to the Department of DUHspeak and they will be assisting in the investigation.

The staff began to have a heated discussion of the origins and meanings of the Popular Words and Phrases they will be investigating.    That does not bode well for their future work.  ( where did “bode” come from ?”)

Stay tuned.

1 + 1 + 1 + 1 = ?

New type of mathematics catching on, D.U.H. says

The Department of Understanding Humans, or D.U.H. announced today that they have discovered a highly advanced but simple-sounding type of mathematics they have labeled “DUHmath”

The spokesperson said, “this new type of math has a variety of manifestations.  For instance, in DUHmath’s applications real numbers and letter type variables are actually used, but the equations are not solvable.  They don’t make sense.    On the other hand, there are some equations that look really good, but actually don’t mean anything.   In DUHmath, every one is number one, some is equal to most, and deficits don’t matter.

DUHmath is now being heralded as one of the great discoveries of all time.

“It can be used to prove all of our previously unsolved theories,”  he said.   “No matter what the problem or need is, DUHmath can prove anything, said the spokesperson.”       “It’s fantastic,” said an investment banker.   “All we have to do is write out a huge DUHmath equation, and we always win at the stock market.   When we get asked how we did it, we just show them the long DUHmath equation, and they just nod, since they haven’t got a clue what it means.   Just having the long DUHmath equations makes us very confident.”

“We discovered DUHmath is very popular now,”  said the D.U.H. spokesperson.   There are special courses now in advanced mathematics universities where DUHmath is being taught.    It’s a requirement now for accounting and marketing.  Even some scientists are using it, especially the ones working for large corporations and governments.”   One senator was practically giddy.   He said, ” this means we will now always have plenty of money to spend on all the projects in my state, all because of DUHmath.   When we combing DUHmath with DUHspeak, we usually win the elections, too.”

Practitioners of DUHmath sometimes use it to take very small equations and make them very large and incomprehensible and impressive.   At other times, DUHmath is used to take very complicated calculations and make them into just few numbers.     Both of these techniques are often used by politicians and attorneys.

As usual, there has been plenty of criticism of this new DUHmath by regular mathematicians, scientists, and normal citizens.    One person contacted for response said, ” sounds like a lot of bullcrap to me,  but hell, I never did like math, so who am I to judge.  They must know what they’re talking about, because I sure don’t.   I’m not sure I want to, either.”

DUHspeak, simple language that confuses the brain

D.U.H., or the Department of Understanding Humans, announced today yet another one of their startling conclusions that resulted from one of their studies.

Their spokesperson said, “we discovered a type of language  we call DUHspeak.   That’s when someone says something that appears to be true or meaningful, but really isn’t.   DUHspeak also involves saying “truthful” sayings but not actually meaning it, such as “we should balance the budget.”   A lot of people speak DUH, especially politicians, lawyers, and bureaucrats.   Advertisers are also very good at this language, and there are some church leaders who have also gotten fluent in DUH.

DUH.speak can take a variety of forms.

For example, when someone says something very obvious, but says it in a very strong way    ( duh, as if we didn’t know already. )   Let’s say someone jumped up on a table in the mall and started yelling out, “Hey everyone, did you know the sky is blue?”   That would DEFINITELY qualify as DUHspeak.

However, there are many other more subtle  varieties of DUHspeak.    Here’s another example of DUHspeak.

“Americans all over the country believe…”     what does that mean?    If you say it right, you can imply that  MOST Americans believe, when it might be just a few here and there, but spread out “all over the country”.

Or, it can mean Americans like the person saying it all over the country.  ( and that’s the minority )

and besides, who are “Americans” ?    There’s a whole lot of different kinds of “Americans”

“So, it’s quite a strange language, ”    said the spokesperson.   Here’s another nice phrase from DUHspeak.

“We’re making progress and moving forward”    ( Do you know anyone who is moving backward, like towards birth ? )     and ” making progress” ?  at what ?  when ?

“You see,”  said the DUH spokesperson, “it can be very confusing listening to DUHspeak.   Many people simply fall asleep or go into a trance when they hear it, which is fine with the DUH speakers.

DUHspeak makes simple things much more complicated

The spokesperson from DUH continued to explain that this language has created a lot of problems.   For instance, when 2 or more DUH speakers are talking to each other, nobody knows what the hell any one of them is saying.   But, it sounds quite good anyway.    Now, this happens a lot, especially in governments.

We learned that there are even experts in DUHspeak who have long meetings and form committees, to determine how to say less with more words, and to make simple things complicated.    They have gotten quite good at it.”

The problem with DUHspeak”, he said, ” is that it’s terrible when there’s any kind of emergency or problem, when it would be especially important if communication was successful.

Learning to speak DUH is an educational advantage.

The DUH spokesperson said that many of the highest paid jobs require a fluent knowledge of DUHspeak, so more and more schools are teaching it, at younger and younger ages.

” The more we thought about it, the more bizarre it seems.”  he said, “It’s probable that in a few generations nobody will know what anyone is saying, and civilization will take a long break, even though, technically, they are all speaking DUH, nothing would get done, except hunting and fishing, where speaking DUH doesn’t matter much.

"Buy now, pay 3 times more later."

News:   You DON’T always get what you pay for.

The Department of Understanding Humans, or D.U.H. released another controversial finding today.   ” It turns out, D.U.H. said, “that contrary to popular belief you don’t always get what you pay for.”

For example, D.U.H. interviewed quite a number of taxpayers who told the interviewer in no uncertain terms, that the government they are getting for their hard earned tax money, was NOT what they paid for.

“This was a big eye-opener,”  said the spokesperson.  ”It didn’t take us long to realize that what they were saying was so true.   That destroyed the myth of “you get what you pay for”.      But, that wasn’t the only example we discovered.   We found many, many people with long stories about how they paid a lot for something, and didn’t get anywhere near the full value.    Some of the few examples of the many items we discovered that ended up having less value than what people paid for:   stocks, used cars, old houses, and political contributions.”

Some people get MORE than they paid for.

” Now, to be fair, we realized the opposite is also true.   Some people had fascinating stories of how they paid a lot less for something that it was worth, and for most of the same items that people overpaid for.   How about that ?    People explained that there were a few places, such as eBay and yard sales, where sometimes you could get a LOT more than you paid for.”   In other words, he said, “ sometimes you come out ahead, but don’t count on it.   Most of the time you lose.”

There were loads of other reasons people don’t get what they paid for.    Sometimes it was the money that was worth less.    Plus, some advertisers tell people they will get a lot, but it’s not true, and other advertisers say something has a “real value”, when that’s only what they want you to think, since what they’re selling is only “worth”, the so-called “one time only” price.     When that happens, people sometimes DO get what they pay for;   they pay a little, and get a lot of crap.   That works out for everyone.”

A few people DO get exactly ( or at least approximately ) what they pay for.

Certainly, the people who pay 20 dollars and get 4   five dollar bills, receive almost exactly what they paid for.    And, some people feel satisfied that they indeed got what they paid for in many other transactions that were studied, but it’s a touchy issue, explained the spokesperson.

“It’s very hard to measure precisely when someone is getting exactly what they pay for.   If someone else sells exactly the same item for a different price, what do you do then ? “,  asked the spokesperson for D.U.H.     “It’s very confusing.    Or, if you buy something today, and your money value goes down after you buy it, does that mean you really DIDN’T get what you paid for, or that you got MORE than you paid for, since now it costs more to buy the same thing.”

“We left those and other questions up to the public,” said the spokesperson.   ” One thing we know for sure from our study, that a great deal of the time, you DON’T get what you pay for.   Much of the time, it’s not even close.  ”

Rats do NOT like to be seen.

The Department of Understanding Humans, or D.U.H. sometimes does studies of popular animals that humans encounter, such as rats.   In this recent study, D.U.H. announced 2 main conclusions regarding rats.   First, they hate being seen.   Secondly, there are a lot more of them than you think.   Don’t ask;  you don’t want to know how many there are.

After hearing tales of boundless rats coming from some of the major cities, D.U.H. sent teams of people with bright flashlights into some of the darkest corners of metropolitan areas.   Sure enough, they discovered that upon turning on the light, thousands of rats scattered in all directions.   This is how they came to the conclusions mentioned above;   rats hate to be seen and there are a lot of them.

Now, an additional corollary is that if you ever see an actual rat during the daytime, it’s likely not one of the smarter ones.    The old and big ones hide most of the time.    The reason is because there are loads of animals and even people, who upon merely seeing a rat, set out to get rid of it by any means possible.     This is why the rats decided to have a lot of children, because most of them don’t get to be very old.”

More reasons rats hide

” We also discovered that rats smell horrible.    That’s another reason they hide, because their enemies have incredible noses, and they know they are not appreciated at all by anyone, at anytime, or anywhere.”    ”Nobody really likes them,” said the spokesperson.   “It’s a bit sad, actually.”

D.U.H. declined to answer any questions about how this relates to people, whether some people  might be “rats” in disguise, or how we came to associate the word rat with disgusting.

” All we know for sure about rats, ”  he said, ” is that they hate light.   And one other thing.   Since they live in the dark, there’s a lot of hanky panky going on, that’s why there are so many of them.    We will continue our study.”

Mice:   ” cute mini-rats “, fun to own and play with

He continued by saying that mice are very much like rats in some respects ( hate light, have lots of kids ).  However, since mice are much smaller, some people think they’re cute and invite them in for supper.

“In fact,”, he said, “we came across quite a few amazing cases, where a family had actually adopted a mouse, or even a whole family, and prepared a special home, with tunnels, tons of food, and little nests.   Utterly amazing.   It just goes to show if you’re cute enough, and cuddly, anything is possible.     They live quite the life, those mice.   They don’t even have to hide, unless they just want to have some fun doing the other thing they are famous for.”

"Will you play with me ? I like balls."

Today, in another hot controversy that concerns our world, the folks at D.U.H. have announced the final results of their investigation.

The spokesperson said, “after hearing a great deal of speculation and anecdotal evidence, we began our study.   People had been saying for quite awhile that since laughter felt so incredibly good, that perhaps there was in fact some real value to it.”   “Laughing is so easy, and so available, the very idea it could be good for health was revolutionary.   I mean, imagine.   In hospitals, we would now need to install a number of laughing rooms, in addition to the many other rooms that hospitals have.”

“Some of the study involved volunteers who subjected themselves to various kinds of direct interaction, such as tickling and romantic massage.    Other teams investigated frequent attendees at comedy clubs and funny movies.    We discovered that during episodes of laughing there was a  release of muscle tension, increase in circulation, in many cases accompanied by various forms of touch and conversation that were quite pleasant for all participants.    Many of the humorists lived longer lives, and even if ill, they generally had a better time of it.”

“Overall, we found playfulness very helpful in general,” said the spokesperson.    ” Play is common in the healthiest beings, the young ones.    It starts early in childhood for most species, but often wears off over time, especially after a being has its own child.     Parents typically have a drastic reduction in humor ability that continues for 18 to 25 years depending on how many children they have.   However, many elderly people seem to recover the lost humor, at least for awhile.    It returns faster when their children have children.   Incredibly, we encountered a few people who were laughing when they died.    However, laughing was ruled out as the cause of death.”

Some health professionals who were interviewed expressed a great deal of skepticism.   One said, ” this is ridiculous.  It’s all chemistry, and we have a wide selection of pills with strange names to take care of any issues, including sobriety and over-serious attitudes.”   “Laughter, as medicine, is preposterous, ”  he touted.

The D.U.H. spokesperson chuckled when he heard that.    He said the issue has now been decided conclusively by the results of the long investigation.   He urged the medical community to take a new approach, and read more joke books during their training.

Today the Department of Understanding Humans had a press conference to remind everyone of one of their earlier studies.

Oil will run out some day.

“When we first discovered oil it was so great, said the spokesperson.   There was so, so much of it and just came bursting out of the ground.  Tons of people were making so much money.   After banking hours they would have huge parties and get drunk.”

” After awhile some of the people started wondering how long this great good fortune would last.   That’s when we launched the study, and it was quite along time ago,”  he said.     “A lot of people have forgotten so we decided it might be time to remind people.

“We just don’t know how long the oil will last, but it’s going to run out so get ready.  And since we came to that conclusion quite some time ago, we must be a lot closer to the end now.   It’s already very expensive to get out of the ground, and more and more people are on the waiting list for cars.”

Some people contacted for their response told this reporter that they do vaguely remember hearing about that report about 30 years ago, but thought it might not be true.   Others have said that it’s okay because they’ll be dead by the time it happens, so it doesn’t matter.